Parent Talking Tips

Back to School Preparation

2008-08-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

Q: How should parents help prepare their kids for the change in schedule, and getting back to the structure of a school day and homework?

In preparing for back to school, there are so many things to consider – school supplies, new clothes, will I like my teacher? – just to name a few. One of the most important variables, however, is sleep. During the summer, many families fall into a different routine of “sleep hygiene” – staying up late and sleeping in – and consequently reset their “body clocks” or circadian rhythm. Returning to a school sleep-wake cycle can take up to two weeks.

If a child is staying up late and needs to “reset his body clock”, slowly move back his bedtime by 15-minute increments so that the week before school starts the body clock has been reset to the "regular" bedtime. Not only working on bedtime, but working on the waking side of the cycle is important as well. By having an activity scheduled in the morning, not just sitting around to watch TV or play electronics, a child is more like to wake up and get going.

Some children may resist going to bed earlier when it is “still summer”. For younger children, explaining that our bodies need to “recharge their batteries” like an electronic game (Nintendo DS, PSP, Gameboy, etc) can help. It can also be helpful to explain that our bodies grow and repair itself the most while we are asleep.

After all the work you have done to reset your child’s sleep-wake cycle before school starts, make sure not to sabotage your efforts by having that “before school blowout” or “all night overnight”.

Another variable to address for back to school is anxiety about returning to school. To address nervousness or anxiety, give information for your child to help her feel more safe and in control. First, discuss with your child that it is normal to feel some anxiety about starting school and that everyone, including the teacher and principal, is nervous the first day of school. Although counter-intuitive, you may try to predict for your child some things that may go wrong the first day –going to the wrong classroom, not knowing which line to stand in for lunch, forgetting a pencil. Help your child problem solve about these predictions so that she feels more prepared and believes she can handle these problems.

An especially anxious child may benefit from a trip to the school before school starts so that things and surroundings are more familiar. Some schools have an “Open House” before school starts. If your school does, definitely attend. If your school doesn’t have an Open House before school starts, ask the principal for a school tour for your child if he tends to be “slow to warm up”. Most schools have a staff work week the week before school starts and an understanding principal will want a child to feel comfortable the first day of school.

Another way to help with before-school anxiety is to have the child as involved in the school preparation as possible. The child should help pick out school supplies, clothes, lunch, etc. Be sure that all things are packed (by the child or as “team work” so the child knows where everything is), picked out, and ready to go the night before school starts (including the camera for first day pictures). Surprises in the morning can raise adrenaline levels and create undue anxiety.

For homework, the best recommendation is to start the homework routine the first day of school, even if “real” homework is not given. This could be just sitting down and going through the backpack and organizing the first day of information. Have a set place and time for homework, with limited distractions. A homework “caddy” that has all the supplies needed – paper, scissors, pens, pencils, etc.- can be very helpful. The caddy minimizes the need to get up, move around, and be distracted during homework time.

Now that the summer is over, school supplies and clothes are bought, homework time is set, have a good night sleep and enjoy the new school year!

Dr. Beverly Walsh, Ph.D.
Psychologist, Life and Family Coach

Talking about “Real Beauty”

2008-02-25T07:20:00.000-08:00

I recently went to a conference on eating disorders and came away with a new energy and passion to talk about real beauty. The beauty that is unique to each person and comes from within, not just the beauty that media promotes.

Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign has produced some powerful videos to help us all be mindful of our “True Colors”. Please take a moment to look at 2 of my favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm1uNgHw6Xo

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkaPs8CIipw

When talking about food, notice if you designate foods as “good” or “bad”. Do you say “you’ve been bad” if you eat something sweet?

When talking about yourself, do you ever say “I feel fat”? Even though fat is not a feeling.

Our kids are watching and listening.

When talking about food, I like to think “food is fuel”. Like with a car, if I’m going on a long trip, I’m going to need a lot of fuel (think basketball games, soccer, learning all day in school). If I’m going on a short trip (sitting around playing video games), I don’t need as much fuel.

Talk with kids about “healthy serving sizes” and “1 serving foods” (pizza, ice cream) and “2 serving foods” (fruits and vegetables).

One of the most powerful interventions for eating disorders is a confident self-image. Ask your child, “What do your friends like about you?”. If you hear, for example, “I’m a good drawer, good friend, fun to be with, fair, a fast runner”, things that are intrinsic or inside a person, you have a child with budding self-confidence.

If on the other hand, you hear, “I don’t know” or “they like my clothes, my video games/toys, that I’m pretty”, things that are extrinsic or on the outside, start working on building up the inside.

Real beauty is more than skin deep. Pass it on.

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Dr.Bev@sbcglobal.net

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

What do you want to believe about Santa?

2007-12-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

Christmas season has begun! Christmas Spirit … Decorations … Commercialism… and… Santa questions. I was waiting for the day when my daughter, who is now 8, would ask if “Santa is real?” One of her best friends informed my daughter it’s the parents, not Santa, who brings the presents for Christmas.

So, my daughter, with her searching brown eyes, asked me straight on, “Mom, is Santa real?”

I responded, after taking a deep, searching breath…”What do you want to believe?”

That’s all that she needed to hear. She needed to hear that I was giving her permission to develop her beliefs and let them evolve.

With a smile on her face, she described that Santa is real because Saint Nicholas is real. “He must work with the parents to bring the presents,” she explained. Santa, in the spirit of Christmas and Jesus, helps children feel loved and special. She still hasn’t quite figured out the logistics about the chimney yet, especially since ours in under construction. That will be for another year :-)

What do you want to believe?

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

P.S. One of my favorite Christmas movies is “Elf”

Beverly Dolenz Walsh, Ph.D.
Psychologist, Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
dr.bev@sbcglobal.net

Tips for Teaching to Share

2007-11-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

Teaching Children to Share

Have you ever noticed the look on the face of a 3 year old when told to "share a toy" or "give Jimmy a turn"? I don't think a look of gratitude or understanding is what comes to mind. I think most young children equate sharing with "me having nothing" and the other child having "everything".

I noticed that if I requested that my kids "traded" toys, instead of "sharing" a toy, I got much better cooperation. This way, both kids had something.

My question to my childen as they are gearing up to grab that coveted car or toy is, "What's your trade?". At times, I may have had to referee, "find a better trade", as my older child was trying to sneak in a "loser" trade. For the most part, however, the idea makes sense to children and is received easily.

Another tip is to offer "taking turns" and then set a timer or number of tries as the trade off point. Remember that 10 minutes or 10 tries is an ETERNITY to a 3 year old. Keep the time and turns within a limit that would make sense for a young child - 5 minutes or 3 turns for example.

Before you know it, you will hear your children becoming master negotiators and sharers of all things.

Anyone else have any tips or thoughts on sharing?

Beverly Dolenz Walsh, Ph.D.
Life and Family Coach

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

Ineffective Instructions 7 - Distant Instructions

2007-05-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

This is the last of seven instruction blunders to avoid.

Distant Instructions: instructions that are yelled from another room or from a distance. Because the parent cannot see the child, the parent will be unaware if the child heard the instruction or was involved in something else important to the child. Additionally, it is hard to keep a respectful tone when yelling from across the house.

For example:
From downstairs Mom yells, “Mary, get off the phone and do your homework.” Meanwhile, Mary is on the phone reviewing the assignment with a friend.

From across the house Dad yells, “Turn off the light and go to bed.” Johnny wonders why Dad doesn’t say “goodnight” anymore and feels distant.

Mom yells across the crowded park that it is time to go and becomes frustrated because her kids “never listen”.

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Communication is a 2-way street. The person giving the information must be aware if the instruction has been received. The most effective communication involves eye contact, a respectful tone, and recognition from the recipient that the message has been understood.

In all the examples, the person who starts the communication should make an effort to have eye contact with the person or be in close enough range to use a normal voice volume. Yes, this requires people getting up and moving, walking, etc. or making a request for the other person to come closer. The effort will be rewarded in a payoff of better communication and relationships.

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Dr.Bev@sbcglobal.net

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

Ineffective Instructions 6 - "Let's" Instructions

2007-04-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

This is the sixth of seven instruction blunders to avoid.

“Let’s” Instructions: instructions that begin with “Let’s” and imply that the parent is going to help the child with the task when the parent’s intent is for the child to do the task alone.

For example:
"Let’s clean your room."

"Let’s do your homework."

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Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. If your intent is for the child to do a task alone, be clear about this intention.

“Please hang your clothes in the closet.”

“Time for you to do your homework.”

As much as possible, you want your child to do for her/himself what s/he is capable of doing alone, which fosters independence. If you plan to help or know that your child is still learning a task, it’s OK to say “Let me know if you need help.” or “How about some teamwork?”.

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Dr.Bev@sbcglobal.net

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

Ineffective Instructions 5 - Vague Instructions

2007-04-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

This is the fifth of seven instruction blunders to avoid.

Vague Instructions: instructions that are not specific. The instruction doesn't tell a person what you want done.

For example:
"Stop that!" "Be good." "Behave!"

"Clean you room." (this is vague depending on the age of the child)

"Clean the kitchen." (again vague depending on the age of the child)

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Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Be sure that you are as specific as possible to avoid confusion. My definition of a "clean room" as an adult is very different than a 5 year old boy's definition of clean room (think clothes stuffed under the bed). Describe the behavior that you are wanting.

Better:
Sit on your bottom.
Say "Please and Thank you".
Put your hands in your lap.

Put your toys in the toy box and clothes in the drawers.

Put the clean dishes away and dirty ones in the dishwasher.

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

Ineffective Instructions 4 - Repeated Instructions

2007-03-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

This is the fourth of seven instruction blunders to avoid.

Repeated Instructions: stating the instruction over and over again. Children learn over time that a parent will repeat a command over and over before they actually have to comply. They learn to tune the parent out until the parent is “serious”.

For example:
"Do your homework. I said, Do your homework. Didn’t you hear me? Do your homework.”

“Time for a bath. I said, Get in the bath. For the last time, take a bath!”

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Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Be sure that you have your child’s attention – turn off the TV/video game, make eye contact, wait for an acknowledgement.

Better:
(Looking at the child) "It's 4:30. Time for homework." (Wait to hear "OK" and see them start)

(Looking at the child) "Time to clean up. Get in the bath." (Wait to hear "OK" and see them start)

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

Ineffective Instructions 3 - Question Instructions

2007-03-06T10:02:00.001-08:00

This is the third of seven instruction blunders to avoid.

Question Instructions: stating the instruction as a question. Technically, the child has the right to say “No” since you are asking a question. The parent is disempowered.

For example:
"Shouldn’t you be doing your homework now?”

“Isn’t it time to clean your room?”

Just imagine your clever child’s response ;-)

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Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. If you are to use a question, give a choice that you can live with (this can help minimize power struggles).

Better:
It’s 4:30. Time for homework.

It’s Saturday. Rooms will be clean before you can go outside and play.

Clean up time. Do you want to take a bath or shower?

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

Ineffective Instructions 2 - Chained Instructions

2007-02-26T11:30:00.000-08:00

This is the second of seven instruction blunders to avoid.
Chained Instructions: stringing or chaining too many commands together.

For example:
"Johnny, feed the dog, and then do your homework, and then take out the garbage, and then put the dishes away, and then take a shower, brush your teeth, and go to bed.”

If more than 2 instructions are given, children will lose track and won’t be able to pay attention to the entire string. You’ll be lucky if the first command is completed. We all have short-term memory limits :-)

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Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up.

For day to day tasks, stick to a routine so that over time, individual instructions become less necessary. For a “good night routine”, a young child (age 3-6) may require the task by task guidance (bath, pj’s, teeth, potty, book, bed). But over time, a simple “It’s time for good night” will set the “train in motion”.

For older kids, ADHD kids, or special occasions where you are out, write the instructions down if you have several things that need to be done. You will be clearer and they will have a tool to use to remember. Similar to the way that adults find grocery lists helpful.

Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach

Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!

Ineffective Instructions 1 - Buried Instructions

2007-02-20T09:38:00.000-08:00

This is the first of seven instruction tips. It has close ties to the first parent tip - Talk Less.

Buried instructions: instructions that are followed by too much talking. The talking usually involves lots of explaining or rationalizing about why something should be done. It can also take the form of fussing or criticizing after the command is given.

For example:
"Johnny, do your homework. You know how important homework is. You want to be successful don't you? And you know what a busy week you have ahead of you and you get so stressed. "

or

"Jane, clean your room. You are such a slob. I don't know how you can stand to live in this pig pen. You are always such a mess."

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Instructions should be clear, succint, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Stating instructions like they are rules can be especially helpful for younger children.

For example:
"Johnny, it's 4:30. Time for homework."

"Jane, hang your clothes in the closet. Put your shoes in the closet too."

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Try it and then post a comment about how it works out for you.

Parent Talking Tip 2 - Buying Time

2007-02-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

One of my parenting frustrations is that I can't be in two places at the same time...
While I'm preparing dinner, I can't be with my daughter helping with a homework question.
While getting myself ready in the morning, I can't be with my son helping him find his shoe.

This is how it sounds..."Mom! Can you help me with this math problem!" (from across the house).
"Mom! Can you help me find my other shoe!" (from the other room).

This is how I sound..."Work on the problem for 5 minutes and if you still need help, let me know."
"Look for your shoe for 5 minutes, if you still need help, we can do teamwork."

My kids learn to figure it out and stick to a problem, aka,
Frustration Tolerance. I don't get on the stop / start rollar coaster and buy myself some time.

Not as good as a time machine, but that "5 minutes" buys me alot more than just 5 minutes ;-)

Try it and let me know how it works for you.

Talking Tip 1 - Talk Less

2007-02-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

Remember the Charlie Brown cartoons? What sound did the adults make? Whah whah, whah whah whah whah....

Parents may think they are being eloquent, pithy, or persuasive when lecturing a child. Most times, however, it's like the Charlie Brown cartoon.

What to do? Be short, to the point, and specific.
For example, "Put the toy in the box" vs. "Put that away"
"Hang your clothes in your closet" vs. "Clean your room"

Want to reduce the power struggles? Talk less.