Christmas season has begun! Christmas Spirit … Decorations … Commercialism… and… Santa questions. I was waiting for the day when my daughter, who is now 8, would ask if “Santa is real?” One of her best friends informed my daughter it’s the parents, not Santa, who brings the presents for Christmas.
So, my daughter, with her searching brown eyes, asked me straight on, “Mom, is Santa real?”
I responded, after taking a deep, searching breath…”What do you want to believe?”
That’s all that she needed to hear. She needed to hear that I was giving her permission to develop her beliefs and let them evolve.
With a smile on her face, she described that Santa is real because Saint Nicholas is real. “He must work with the parents to bring the presents,” she explained. Santa, in the spirit of Christmas and Jesus, helps children feel loved and special. She still hasn’t quite figured out the logistics about the chimney yet, especially since ours in under construction. That will be for another year :-)
What do you want to believe?
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
P.S. One of my favorite Christmas movies is “Elf”
Beverly Dolenz Walsh, Ph.D.
Psychologist, Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
dr.bev@sbcglobal.net
Monday, December 3, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Tips for Teaching to Share
Teaching Children to Share
Have you ever noticed the look on the face of a 3 year old when told to "share a toy" or "give Jimmy a turn"? I don't think a look of gratitude or understanding is what comes to mind. I think most young children equate sharing with "me having nothing" and the other child having "everything".
I noticed that if I requested that my kids "traded" toys, instead of "sharing" a toy, I got much better cooperation. This way, both kids had something.
My question to my childen as they are gearing up to grab that coveted car or toy is, "What's your trade?". At times, I may have had to referee, "find a better trade", as my older child was trying to sneak in a "loser" trade. For the most part, however, the idea makes sense to children and is received easily.
Another tip is to offer "taking turns" and then set a timer or number of tries as the trade off point. Remember that 10 minutes or 10 tries is an ETERNITY to a 3 year old. Keep the time and turns within a limit that would make sense for a young child - 5 minutes or 3 turns for example.
Before you know it, you will hear your children becoming master negotiators and sharers of all things.
Anyone else have any tips or thoughts on sharing?
Beverly Dolenz Walsh, Ph.D.
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Have you ever noticed the look on the face of a 3 year old when told to "share a toy" or "give Jimmy a turn"? I don't think a look of gratitude or understanding is what comes to mind. I think most young children equate sharing with "me having nothing" and the other child having "everything".
I noticed that if I requested that my kids "traded" toys, instead of "sharing" a toy, I got much better cooperation. This way, both kids had something.
My question to my childen as they are gearing up to grab that coveted car or toy is, "What's your trade?". At times, I may have had to referee, "find a better trade", as my older child was trying to sneak in a "loser" trade. For the most part, however, the idea makes sense to children and is received easily.
Another tip is to offer "taking turns" and then set a timer or number of tries as the trade off point. Remember that 10 minutes or 10 tries is an ETERNITY to a 3 year old. Keep the time and turns within a limit that would make sense for a young child - 5 minutes or 3 turns for example.
Before you know it, you will hear your children becoming master negotiators and sharers of all things.
Anyone else have any tips or thoughts on sharing?
Beverly Dolenz Walsh, Ph.D.
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Ineffective Instructions 7 - Distant Instructions
This is the last of seven instruction blunders to avoid.
Distant Instructions: instructions that are yelled from another room or from a distance. Because the parent cannot see the child, the parent will be unaware if the child heard the instruction or was involved in something else important to the child. Additionally, it is hard to keep a respectful tone when yelling from across the house.
For example:
From downstairs Mom yells, “Mary, get off the phone and do your homework.” Meanwhile, Mary is on the phone reviewing the assignment with a friend.
From across the house Dad yells, “Turn off the light and go to bed.” Johnny wonders why Dad doesn’t say “goodnight” anymore and feels distant.
Mom yells across the crowded park that it is time to go and becomes frustrated because her kids “never listen”.
*********************************************************************
Communication is a 2-way street. The person giving the information must be aware if the instruction has been received. The most effective communication involves eye contact, a respectful tone, and recognition from the recipient that the message has been understood.
In all the examples, the person who starts the communication should make an effort to have eye contact with the person or be in close enough range to use a normal voice volume. Yes, this requires people getting up and moving, walking, etc. or making a request for the other person to come closer. The effort will be rewarded in a payoff of better communication and relationships.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Dr.Bev@sbcglobal.net
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Distant Instructions: instructions that are yelled from another room or from a distance. Because the parent cannot see the child, the parent will be unaware if the child heard the instruction or was involved in something else important to the child. Additionally, it is hard to keep a respectful tone when yelling from across the house.
For example:
From downstairs Mom yells, “Mary, get off the phone and do your homework.” Meanwhile, Mary is on the phone reviewing the assignment with a friend.
From across the house Dad yells, “Turn off the light and go to bed.” Johnny wonders why Dad doesn’t say “goodnight” anymore and feels distant.
Mom yells across the crowded park that it is time to go and becomes frustrated because her kids “never listen”.
*********************************************************************
Communication is a 2-way street. The person giving the information must be aware if the instruction has been received. The most effective communication involves eye contact, a respectful tone, and recognition from the recipient that the message has been understood.
In all the examples, the person who starts the communication should make an effort to have eye contact with the person or be in close enough range to use a normal voice volume. Yes, this requires people getting up and moving, walking, etc. or making a request for the other person to come closer. The effort will be rewarded in a payoff of better communication and relationships.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Dr.Bev@sbcglobal.net
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Ineffective Instructions 6 - "Let's" Instructions
This is the sixth of seven instruction blunders to avoid.
“Let’s” Instructions: instructions that begin with “Let’s” and imply that the parent is going to help the child with the task when the parent’s intent is for the child to do the task alone.
For example:
"Let’s clean your room."
"Let’s do your homework."
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. If your intent is for the child to do a task alone, be clear about this intention.
“Please hang your clothes in the closet.”
“Time for you to do your homework.”
As much as possible, you want your child to do for her/himself what s/he is capable of doing alone, which fosters independence. If you plan to help or know that your child is still learning a task, it’s OK to say “Let me know if you need help.” or “How about some teamwork?”.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Dr.Bev@sbcglobal.net
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
“Let’s” Instructions: instructions that begin with “Let’s” and imply that the parent is going to help the child with the task when the parent’s intent is for the child to do the task alone.
For example:
"Let’s clean your room."
"Let’s do your homework."
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. If your intent is for the child to do a task alone, be clear about this intention.
“Please hang your clothes in the closet.”
“Time for you to do your homework.”
As much as possible, you want your child to do for her/himself what s/he is capable of doing alone, which fosters independence. If you plan to help or know that your child is still learning a task, it’s OK to say “Let me know if you need help.” or “How about some teamwork?”.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Dr.Bev@sbcglobal.net
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Monday, April 2, 2007
Ineffective Instructions 5 - Vague Instructions
This is the fifth of seven instruction blunders to avoid.
Vague Instructions: instructions that are not specific. The instruction doesn't tell a person what you want done.
For example:
"Stop that!" "Be good." "Behave!"
"Clean you room." (this is vague depending on the age of the child)
"Clean the kitchen." (again vague depending on the age of the child)
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Be sure that you are as specific as possible to avoid confusion. My definition of a "clean room" as an adult is very different than a 5 year old boy's definition of clean room (think clothes stuffed under the bed). Describe the behavior that you are wanting.
Better:
Sit on your bottom.
Say "Please and Thank you".
Put your hands in your lap.
Put your toys in the toy box and clothes in the drawers.
Put the clean dishes away and dirty ones in the dishwasher.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Vague Instructions: instructions that are not specific. The instruction doesn't tell a person what you want done.
For example:
"Stop that!" "Be good." "Behave!"
"Clean you room." (this is vague depending on the age of the child)
"Clean the kitchen." (again vague depending on the age of the child)
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Be sure that you are as specific as possible to avoid confusion. My definition of a "clean room" as an adult is very different than a 5 year old boy's definition of clean room (think clothes stuffed under the bed). Describe the behavior that you are wanting.
Better:
Sit on your bottom.
Say "Please and Thank you".
Put your hands in your lap.
Put your toys in the toy box and clothes in the drawers.
Put the clean dishes away and dirty ones in the dishwasher.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Ineffective Instructions 4 - Repeated Instructions
This is the fourth of seven instruction blunders to avoid.
Repeated Instructions: stating the instruction over and over again. Children learn over time that a parent will repeat a command over and over before they actually have to comply. They learn to tune the parent out until the parent is “serious”.
For example:
"Do your homework. I said, Do your homework. Didn’t you hear me? Do your homework.”
“Time for a bath. I said, Get in the bath. For the last time, take a bath!”
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Be sure that you have your child’s attention – turn off the TV/video game, make eye contact, wait for an acknowledgement.
Better:
(Looking at the child) "It's 4:30. Time for homework." (Wait to hear "OK" and see them start)
(Looking at the child) "Time to clean up. Get in the bath." (Wait to hear "OK" and see them start)
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Repeated Instructions: stating the instruction over and over again. Children learn over time that a parent will repeat a command over and over before they actually have to comply. They learn to tune the parent out until the parent is “serious”.
For example:
"Do your homework. I said, Do your homework. Didn’t you hear me? Do your homework.”
“Time for a bath. I said, Get in the bath. For the last time, take a bath!”
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Be sure that you have your child’s attention – turn off the TV/video game, make eye contact, wait for an acknowledgement.
Better:
(Looking at the child) "It's 4:30. Time for homework." (Wait to hear "OK" and see them start)
(Looking at the child) "Time to clean up. Get in the bath." (Wait to hear "OK" and see them start)
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Ineffective Instructions 3 - Question Instructions
This is the third of seven instruction blunders to avoid.
Question Instructions: stating the instruction as a question. Technically, the child has the right to say “No” since you are asking a question. The parent is disempowered.
For example:
"Shouldn’t you be doing your homework now?”
“Isn’t it time to clean your room?”
Just imagine your clever child’s response ;-)
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. If you are to use a question, give a choice that you can live with (this can help minimize power struggles).
Better:
It’s 4:30. Time for homework.
It’s Saturday. Rooms will be clean before you can go outside and play.
Clean up time. Do you want to take a bath or shower?
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Question Instructions: stating the instruction as a question. Technically, the child has the right to say “No” since you are asking a question. The parent is disempowered.
For example:
"Shouldn’t you be doing your homework now?”
“Isn’t it time to clean your room?”
Just imagine your clever child’s response ;-)
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. If you are to use a question, give a choice that you can live with (this can help minimize power struggles).
Better:
It’s 4:30. Time for homework.
It’s Saturday. Rooms will be clean before you can go outside and play.
Clean up time. Do you want to take a bath or shower?
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Monday, February 26, 2007
Ineffective Instructions 2 - Chained Instructions
This is the second of seven instruction blunders to avoid.
Chained Instructions: stringing or chaining too many commands together.
For example:
"Johnny, feed the dog, and then do your homework, and then take out the garbage, and then put the dishes away, and then take a shower, brush your teeth, and go to bed.”
If more than 2 instructions are given, children will lose track and won’t be able to pay attention to the entire string. You’ll be lucky if the first command is completed. We all have short-term memory limits :-)
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up.
For day to day tasks, stick to a routine so that over time, individual instructions become less necessary. For a “good night routine”, a young child (age 3-6) may require the task by task guidance (bath, pj’s, teeth, potty, book, bed). But over time, a simple “It’s time for good night” will set the “train in motion”.
For older kids, ADHD kids, or special occasions where you are out, write the instructions down if you have several things that need to be done. You will be clearer and they will have a tool to use to remember. Similar to the way that adults find grocery lists helpful.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Chained Instructions: stringing or chaining too many commands together.
For example:
"Johnny, feed the dog, and then do your homework, and then take out the garbage, and then put the dishes away, and then take a shower, brush your teeth, and go to bed.”
If more than 2 instructions are given, children will lose track and won’t be able to pay attention to the entire string. You’ll be lucky if the first command is completed. We all have short-term memory limits :-)
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succinct, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up.
For day to day tasks, stick to a routine so that over time, individual instructions become less necessary. For a “good night routine”, a young child (age 3-6) may require the task by task guidance (bath, pj’s, teeth, potty, book, bed). But over time, a simple “It’s time for good night” will set the “train in motion”.
For older kids, ADHD kids, or special occasions where you are out, write the instructions down if you have several things that need to be done. You will be clearer and they will have a tool to use to remember. Similar to the way that adults find grocery lists helpful.
Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach
Imagine Your Life...Then Live It!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Ineffective Instructions 1 - Buried Instructions
This is the first of seven instruction tips. It has close ties to the first parent tip - Talk Less.
Buried instructions: instructions that are followed by too much talking. The talking usually involves lots of explaining or rationalizing about why something should be done. It can also take the form of fussing or criticizing after the command is given.
For example:
"Johnny, do your homework. You know how important homework is. You want to be successful don't you? And you know what a busy week you have ahead of you and you get so stressed. "
or
"Jane, clean your room. You are such a slob. I don't know how you can stand to live in this pig pen. You are always such a mess."
Instructions should be clear, succint, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Stating instructions like they are rules can be especially helpful for younger children.
For example:
"Johnny, it's 4:30. Time for homework."
"Jane, hang your clothes in the closet. Put your shoes in the closet too."
Try it and then post a comment about how it works out for you.
Buried instructions: instructions that are followed by too much talking. The talking usually involves lots of explaining or rationalizing about why something should be done. It can also take the form of fussing or criticizing after the command is given.
For example:
"Johnny, do your homework. You know how important homework is. You want to be successful don't you? And you know what a busy week you have ahead of you and you get so stressed. "
or
"Jane, clean your room. You are such a slob. I don't know how you can stand to live in this pig pen. You are always such a mess."
*********************************************************************
Instructions should be clear, succint, one at a time (2 max), and with enough time for a person to follow up. Stating instructions like they are rules can be especially helpful for younger children.
For example:
"Johnny, it's 4:30. Time for homework."
"Jane, hang your clothes in the closet. Put your shoes in the closet too."
*********************************************************************
Try it and then post a comment about how it works out for you.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Parent Talking Tip 2 - Buying Time
One of my parenting frustrations is that I can't be in two places at the same time...
While I'm preparing dinner, I can't be with my daughter helping with a homework question.
While getting myself ready in the morning, I can't be with my son helping him find his shoe.
This is how it sounds..."Mom! Can you help me with this math problem!" (from across the house).
"Mom! Can you help me find my other shoe!" (from the other room).
This is how I sound..."Work on the problem for 5 minutes and if you still need help, let me know."
"Look for your shoe for 5 minutes, if you still need help, we can do teamwork."
My kids learn to figure it out and stick to a problem, aka,
Frustration Tolerance. I don't get on the stop / start rollar coaster and buy myself some time.
Not as good as a time machine, but that "5 minutes" buys me alot more than just 5 minutes ;-)
Try it and let me know how it works for you.
While I'm preparing dinner, I can't be with my daughter helping with a homework question.
While getting myself ready in the morning, I can't be with my son helping him find his shoe.
This is how it sounds..."Mom! Can you help me with this math problem!" (from across the house).
"Mom! Can you help me find my other shoe!" (from the other room).
This is how I sound..."Work on the problem for 5 minutes and if you still need help, let me know."
"Look for your shoe for 5 minutes, if you still need help, we can do teamwork."
My kids learn to figure it out and stick to a problem, aka,
Frustration Tolerance. I don't get on the stop / start rollar coaster and buy myself some time.
Not as good as a time machine, but that "5 minutes" buys me alot more than just 5 minutes ;-)
Try it and let me know how it works for you.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Talking Tip 1 - Talk Less
Remember the Charlie Brown cartoons? What sound did the adults make? Whah whah, whah whah whah whah....
Parents may think they are being eloquent, pithy, or persuasive when lecturing a child. Most times, however, it's like the Charlie Brown cartoon.
What to do? Be short, to the point, and specific.
For example, "Put the toy in the box" vs. "Put that away"
"Hang your clothes in your closet" vs. "Clean your room"
Want to reduce the power struggles? Talk less.
Parents may think they are being eloquent, pithy, or persuasive when lecturing a child. Most times, however, it's like the Charlie Brown cartoon.
What to do? Be short, to the point, and specific.
For example, "Put the toy in the box" vs. "Put that away"
"Hang your clothes in your closet" vs. "Clean your room"
Want to reduce the power struggles? Talk less.
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